Let me weave you a story…A story about what happened to me
on a Tinder date. To be honest, I was reluctant about dating another total
stranger again after the last 15 fiasco dates. So, some brave woman, for
reasons known only to God, swiped right on my profile, which I found odd
because I’ve been swiped left so many times, I’m now left handed. After a
texting back and forth for a few days, we agreed on a place and time for
dinner.
I made sure to shower, shave parts of my body I normally
don’t, and used my Old Spice and even wore my best clothes I got from Goodwill.
I drove to the restaurant in north McAllen we had agreed on. I was ready!
Looking good, smelling like Terry Crews, feeling confident, and had my coupons and
fake Gold Credit Card in my wallet. An hour goes by, two hours, three hours,
four hours, still no Krista. Lupe the waiter was cool about it and offered me a
drink on the house because he felt bad for me. I had showed him Krista’s
picture on my phone when I told him I was waiting for my first date when he sat
me at my table. Lupe said she was “muy
caliente” with a sarcastic grin on his face.
Stood up again. This had become a pattern now so, I used my 50%
off coupon on a burger, ate, and left. I was used to being stood up so, the
sting was not as bad as the time a previous date who made me sign a “No touch”
agreement before our first date. Anyways, I chalked that date up as a fail and
went on with my boring uneventful life….again.
A week went by and Krista unexpectedly messaged me to
apologize for standing me up. She said she was on her way to meet me when she
got pulled over by the cops and got arrested. I was afraid to ask why she was
arrested so I laughed it off. We set up another date and we finally met in
person. We asked each other about our lives and hobbies. Apparently, Krista
liked to bake which I thought was cool and she also liked cats, she said she had
three cats which I thought I would later use my like of cats to my advantage.
Well, you know how TV commercials for burger places make the
burger look much better in the picture than they do in real life? Yeah well,
that was Krista but man, those green eyes and red hair had me. I hardly noticed
the unibrow or snaggle tooth after a while. So, I asked where she wanted to go
for dinner. Krista excitedly yelled out “The Patio on Guerra!”. Well, I knew I
couldn’t afford that place so I quickly replied, “Oh, that’s where that hot
waitress works!” Now, all of a sudden,
she didn’t want to go there anymore. I then asked her, “Guess where I’m taking
you to dinner”? I was thinking she’ll pick her favorite place and take her
there. Krista got a big smile on her face and asked, “Chuck E Cheese”? In my
total confusion, I yelled out “Yeah!”
Krista squealed, clapped her hands in delight, and did the
Carlton Dance in the car. Ooookaaay. I was cool with that because I had coupons
for Chuck E Cheese and about 50 leftover game tickets from my previous date.
Once there, she ordered the monster sized pizza and Bladder Buster soda. Being
the gentleman that I am, I used the coupon for her order. After a few minutes, without
me noticing, she snuck out a bottle of vodka from her purse and poured some in
our drinks.
Twenty minutes later, I was feeling invincible and thought
the date was going great until I remembered her like of cats. Krista put a
slice of pizza on the table in front of me. I guess it must have been the vodka
and trying to be catlike so she would like me, I slowly pawed her plate off the
table and stared at her. She scratched me behind the ears then dragged me to
the ball pit. For some reason, (vodka not withstanding), I pushed her into the
ball pit. Again, being the gentleman that I am, I selected the best Instagram
filter as she was getting out of the ball pit BEFORE I posted the picture on my
Instagram.
The next thing I remember was yelling at some kid demanding
his game tickets or I would ground him. The next thing I remembered after that was
telling the cops that the kid was my son. That’s when Krista told the cops that
I have no sons. The next morning, with a pounding headache, I found myself
standing in front of a green-eyed redhead hoping she wouldn’t pick me out of
the lineup. I didn’t understand why the guys to left and my right in the lineup
were giggling.
Fortunately, she didn’t pick me out and she later bailed me
out. I was thinking, “well that didn’t go as planned”. Two days later, Krista
actually called me and invited me to her apartment. Not only was I reluctant
after the Chuck E Cheese incident (which appeared on Channel 4 news), I still
had a court date to explain why I was spanking my “not son” for not giving up his
game tickets.
Anyways, I thought I would take the chance and meet up with
Krista again hoping there might still be a chance to salvage any kind of
relationship that could happen even if it involved another restraining order. I
took a few shots of Tequila for courage and left for her place.
She texted me her address and as I pulled up to her
apartment, I noticed the apartment numbers painted on the parking blocks. Her
guest parking spot had a skull and bones painted on hers. That should have been
a red flag but the Tequila clouded my judgement at the time. I walked up the
stairs and noticed the smell of oatmeal raisin cookies which are my favorite
and remembered her telling me that she likes to bake. I thought, awesome, she
made me my favorite cookies. I knocked on door 420, (another red flag I
missed). Krista opened the door looking like Scarlett Johansson in a
semi-transparent white flowing robe and whispered, “coooome iiiiin loverboy”.
At this point, I must say, I was a bit perplexed after my
previous experience with this freak of a woman but the smell of the cookies had
a death grip on me at this point. I must have floated in because I don’t
remember my feet touching the floor. Once inside, I started looking for the
cookies. I then noticed all the candles around her apartment. That’s when I
thought they were just scented candles! What an F’n tease I almost yelled out. I
was thinking she made me oatmeal raisin cookies! Before I knew it, I was in a
rage! She told me to sit on the couch and wait for a surprise. I was still furious
but sat on the couch anyway. That’s when I noticed she actually had six cats
instead of the three she told me she had! She lied to me again!
I then glanced over to the coffee table in front of me and
noticed her laser pointer key chain. I looked over at Krista in the kitchen
bending over the oven. Ok you witch, you invite me over and tease me with
oatmeal raisin cookies only to find out they’re only scented candles? I’ll get
my revenge on you yet you evil witch! I picked up that laser pointer and lit up
her butt and watched all six cats attacker her butt like a school of piranhas
on raw meat!
I was laughing my butt off as was I was running out the
door. That’s when I noticed the oatmeal raisin cookies flying off the cookie
sheet she was pulling out of the oven. I instantly felt bad while starting my
car to burn rubber out of there.
I later found out the reason she was arrested before our
first date was because she was found with marijuana laced oatmeal raisin
cookies. Man, what fun we could have had that night.
And that folks, is how I got my 7th restraining
order. Lesson learned, judge not lest ye be judged. Krista has since changed
her phone number.
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